Monday, August 29, 2011
Confessions, Part 1:The Battle with Ego.
My ego sucks.
I think it peaked during college when I wrote for the school newspaper. That was my identity, and I worshipped that idol to the point where I wouldn't write stories that would hurt my popularity. I used to think that it wasn't a big issue.
I also used to think that my ego didn't even exist. But it quietly controlled my life. I hid my ego for a long time, but I always fed it. I wanted attention and admiration and I would pout inside and curse others if I didn't get it.
I transferred colleges and put myself in a $13,000 student loan debt hole because I wanted to be loved like I was in high school.
I whined and complained post college about Fayetteville because my ego wasn't satisfied and there weren't enough girls on my bandwagon.
I'll even admit that, at one time, I got offended and wanted to leave the Triangle at one point because the city, its culture, and the women here weren't giving me the time of day. That happened earlier this year.
I realize today that I left Grace in part because my ego wasn't being fed. My soul was being spiritually fed, but I felt that everybody should like me because I'm a great person. When the newness of being in the community wore off and I didn't get that feeling of admiration, I grumbled in my heart.
I left Grace with God's blessing, but only now do I see the root of why my time ended there.
The Fransecsa's false alarm opened my eyes and helped me to actually see my vicious pride. Relationships were potentially going to be destroyed if I didn't address it.
I am who I am, redeemed by the blood of Jesus. Even when I got saved, I wanted to be the center of your universe because my ego demanded it. Now I know that I will never be the center.
Now I'm trying to kill my vicious, digusting, lascivious ego. My future depends on it.
No comments:
Post a Comment